Managers Dread Giving Feedback. Employees Hate Getting It. Now What?
Instead of fearing feedback, use these 4 suggestions to make it work for you.
Feedback is uncomfortable because it challenges how we see ourselves and how others see us. It can feel like a confrontation we’d rather avoid. For many people, the word feedback has a negative association, and their brain immediately thinks, ‘What have I done wrong?’ and goes into fight/flight mode. We need to change this negative connotation, and understanding human behaviours' intricacies is useful for better managing a feedback conversation.
Why is feedback so difficult? Understanding behaviours.
We care deeply about what others think about us. This is why feedback can create tension, and become infused with negative emotions, fear and anxiety.
How others perceive us is ingrained in our survival instinct. The brain’s limbic system—responsible for processing emotions and detecting threats—constantly scans for danger. Negative feedback can feel like a threat to our position in a team, organisation or society. When we receive criticism, our nervous system instinctively reacts, perceiving it as a threat to our social status and triggering a protective response.
As psychologist Daniel Goleman states, “Threats to our standing in the eyes of others are remarkably potent biologically, almost as those to our very survival.”
We perceive feedback as a judgment of who we are rather than what we’ve done. This makes us feel vulnerable and primes us for a defensive reaction.
Another human reaction is to filter what we hear, absorbing what makes us feel better or proves a belief and disregarding the rest. For this reason, the classic sandwich of Positive/Negative/Positive feedback formula is ineffective. When we receive positive feedback, our brain goes into happy mode, and it won’t hear the negative one that’s coming next. If we start with a negative comment, our brain goes into protection mode, and any subsequent positive feedback is ignored.
I encourage people to apply behavioural insights to improve the feedback experience for all these reasons.
What is the purpose of feedback?
Improvement and growth. Feedback helps individuals improve their skills and be more effective in their roles, increasing productivity. Understanding areas of strength and weakness enables us to focus our learning and make progress. This greatly benefits individuals, increasing confidence and developing long-term growth.
Clarity and alignment. If we don’t know what’s expected of us, we may focus on activities that don’t add value or are not important for the business. Feedback ensures expectations, goals, and behaviours are aligned within the team and organisation. It clarifies what is working and what is not so we can adjust.
Motivation and engagement. At its most effective, feedback motivates people by recognising achievements and steering people towards more significant contributions. It increases engagement and commitment. However, feedback can have the opposite effect and demotivate people, making them less disengaged.
“Feedback is a perspective, not an absolute truth—it’s shaped by the giver’s experiences and opinions.”
Remember that feedback is a perspective shaped by the giver’s experiences and opinions. It’s our choice how it can be useful to us, we should not consider an absolute truth. On the other hand, it’s important to remember that other people will see aspects of ourselves we don’t, or care to admit to ourselves.
4 ideas to make feedback useful!
A feedback conversation can be difficult for both parties involved, so here are four suggestions for both givers and recipients of feedback.
The power of words
The word feedback has negative connotations ingrained in our consciousness, thus the need to introduce a positive narrative and approach.
I encourage managers to give primarily positive feedback and emphasise what the individual has done well and should do more of, as well as the positive behaviours they can build on. This suggestion stems from my experience as Gallup Strengths coach, which is all about building on our natural talents rather than trying to fix weaknesses. For example, someone with a natural talent for developing new ideas should focus on improving that strength and seek excellence rather than devoting themselves to selling a product.
This concept doesn’t dismiss the need to identify areas of weakness; however, it is easier and more effective to focus on what we enjoy and do best than forcing someone to improve something where they can only reach average standards.
Don’t tell: create an opportunity for reflection.
If you ‘tell’ your feedback, it is a one-way communication with no opportunity for dialogue. People don’t learn from being told what to do. Instead, ask questions to help the other person reflect on the event.
For example, when giving feedback on presentation skills, I would say something like, “I observed you presenting at the meeting just now. What was it like?” “How do you feel about it?” and “How do you believe the audience reacted?” By asking questions rather than telling, you open a dialogue and the opportunity for the person to reflect.
Questions need to be about their experiences, reactions, and observations. This type of learning is more sustainable and makes it easier to develop new behaviours.
Change your perspective.
The quote “When you change the view from where you stood, the things you view will change for good” by Mary Poppins brings to the best advice I have: request feedback before the event.
I started this approach with a team I managed some years ago and quickly realised that it removes pressure from both the giver and the receiver. The person receiving the feedback is sending a clear message that he wants to improve a skill and learn from the experience. The giver is prepared and can notice behaviours and actions more meaningfully. Moreover, she will be more willing to share her observations since they are expected and solicited.
Choose the right moment.
The responsibility to assess the situation and context lies with the person giving feedback; they decide if that’s the right time to share their thoughts.
Feedback needs to be given as soon as possible after the event to ensure it is useful and a learning opportunity, however if the event has been stressful then it may be better to wait a little while. Also observe body language reactions and whether you there is a quiet place to talk. Talking over a coffee or during a walk, can lead to a more open conversation.
In conclusion, feedback is the opportunity to create a positive learning experience. These suggestions will introduce a fundamental change in individual and team dynamics, leading to a growth culture.