How to thrive (not just survive) feedback: 4 tips for managers and employees
Love it or hate it, feedback is here to stay: let’s make it useful
Feedback makes many people uncomfortable, it’s difficult for both managers and employees to get right because it is rooted in confidence levels, our sense of self and how we are perceived by others.
I have experienced many feedback conversations, both as giver and recipient. As manager I want to make it into a positive experience and help people thrive. Understanding the intricacies of human behaviours is very useful to better manage a situation where some people feel vulnerable.
Here is one of many stories that highlight what can go wrong. The manager describes in great detail, something another person told him about the employee. The event took place nearly two months previously during a meeting: apparently a comment upset someone in that team. No more details are given.
The time lag is the first issue, we can’t remember a past event, especially if not memorable for us. The second issue is that feedback needs to be direct, not second / third-hand.
The most important issues is the negative association of the word feedback. Our brain immediate thinks ‘what have I done wrong?’ and goes into fight / flight mode. We need to change this negative connotation.
Why is feedback so difficult? Understanding behaviours
We care deeply about what others think about us. This is why feedback can be such a difficult endeavour, so infused with negative emotions, fear and anxiety.
What is the behavioural explanation for the negative connotations of feedback?
How we are perceived by others is ingrained in the survival instinct. Our brain is always on the lookout for danger, it tries to protect us from external threats. Negative feedback is a threat to our position in a team/organisation/society. When we receive criticism, our brain tries to protect us from the threat it perceives to our place in the social order of things.
As the psychologist Daniel Goleman said “Threats to our standing in the eyes of others are remarkably potent biologically, almost as those to our very survival”.
The issue with a lot of feedback is that it’s framed (or perceived) as personal: it is about me as an individual rather than the thing I do. This creates vulnerability and is detrimental to people who rely on external approval, I wrote about this in my article on Fear of Failure LINK. For this reason, when you are giving feedback be aware that the other person is likely to perceive you as a threat, so be prepared for a negative reaction. It's human nature, nothing to do with you, nor the other person.
Another human reaction is to anchor ourselves to what makes us feel good. For this reason, the classic Positive/Negative/Positive feedback formula is ineffective: when we receive positive feedback our brain goes into happy mode and it won’t hear the negative one that's coming next. And if you start with the negative, our brain goes in protection mode and any subsequent positive feedback is ignored.
Based on these examples, I encourage people to apply behavioural insights to improve the feedback experience.
What is the purpose of feedback?
Sometimes we perform activities out of habit and because they are expected of us. So I started considering the most likely reasons for giving feedback.
Improve productivity. The aim of a business is for people produce more and better quality products and services, to increase profits. Therefore feedback is needed to make people more productive. Feedback can achieve this aim, however it can have the opposite effect if not done properly. I have seen people demotivated and less productive as a result of badly delivered feedback.
Personal development. We all seek to achieve a better version of ourselves. We want to improve our skills and knowledge, and our company wants that as well, so we become more productive. Feedback from one’s manager and colleagues can be a great learning opportunity, however they need to have the right skills and the ability to impart their knowledge in the best possible way.
It is also important to remember that feedback is someone’s opinion and subjective, not a fact. It’s your choice whether the feedback is useful to you. However, you need to be aware that other people will see aspects of you that you are not aware of. That’s what makes feedback useful.
4 ideas to make feedback useful!
Feedback is difficult for both parties involved, it takes up much time and effort, but it is beneficial if done well. Here are 4 ideas you can easily apply to both givers and recipients of feedback.
The power of words
The word feedback triggers the expectation of a negative comment and this association is ingrained in our consciousness. I advocate introducing a positive narrative and approach.
I encourage managers to give mostly positive feedback, and emphasise what your team member has done well and should do more of, and the positive behaviours they can building on. One of the basis of this suggestion is my experience as Gallup Strengths coach, which is all about building on our natural talents, rather than trying to fix weaknesses. For example, if someone has a natural talent for coming up with ideas, they should focus on that strengths and seeking excellence, rather than devoting their time and effort to fix a weakness.
I am not dismissing the need to draw the attention to the negatives, instead I believe we can grow more by focusing on the positive.
Don’t tell: create an opportunity for reflection
If you ‘tell’ your feedback, it is a one-way communication with no opportunity for dialogue. People don’t learn from being told what to do. Instead ask questions to help the other person reflect on the event.
For example, if I give feedback on presentation skills, I say something like "I observed you presenting at the meeting just now, what was it like?”, “How do you feel about it?" and “How do you believe the audience reacted?” By asking questions rather than telling, you open a dialogue and the opportunity for the person to reflect.
It is important to ask as many questions as possible about their experience, reactions and observations. Their reflections enables them to learn from the experience more effectively, and any learning will be more sustainable.
Change your perspective
There was a scene from the movie ‘Mary Poppins Return’ that stuck with me. The whole world turns upside down every second Wednesday for the eccentric cousin Topsy Turvy, and she doesn't know how to function in such chaos. Wise Mary Poppins suggest "When you change the view from where you stood, the things you view will change for good".
It bring me to the best advice I have: request feedback before the event. I started this approach with a team I managed some years ago, and quickly realised that it removes so much pressure from both giver and receiver of feedback. The receiver is sending a clear message he is eager for feedback and to learn from the experience. The giver is prepared and can notice the event in a more meaningful way, plus he will be more open in sharing his observations because they are expected and solicited.
Choose the right moment
As a giver of feedback you are responsible for assessing the situation and decide if that’s the right time to share your feedback.
Timing is critical, feedback needs to be given as soon as possible after the event to ensure it is useful and a learning opportunity. On the other hand if the event has been stressful then it may be better to let it rest for a little while. It is also important to consider the situation: what triggered the need for feedback, body language reactions and whether you can find a quiet place to talk.
I encourage people to get out of the office for feedback: removing yourselves from the constraints of an office tends to lead to a more open conversation. A coffee or a walk do wonders.
In conclusion, let’s use feedback to create a positive growth experience. Insights into human behaviours can help us improve how we give and receive feedback.
These are the 4 suggestions for you to try:
1. Consider how often you give negative instead of positive feedback. Then swap and accentuate the positive.
2. Ask questions to help the receiver of feedback reflect on the experience and develop their own learning.
3. Encourage people to ask for feedback in advance of the event
4. Choose the right timing and try a different location
These suggestions will introduce a fundamental change in individual and team dynamics, leading to an open and learning culture.
Photo by Jason Rosewell on Unsplash