Fear of failure is the emotional baggage many of us carry around, and this luggage can get so heavy that it becomes paralysing. Here I am sharing my experience and learnings — as it may inspire others.
Last week I wrote about what I learnt about goal-settings when climbing the Kilimanjaro. One of my readers asked me about fear of failure. As I was reflecting on this question, I decided to explore two elements:
· The tragedy of so much unfulfilled potential
· The internal and external dimensions
My journey to overcame fear of failure
I used to be shy, worried about what other people thought about me and with low self-esteem about my capabilities. That was me for many years. I didn’t like it and I slowly started developing a new self: learning, improving and striving to be a better version of myself. The old ‘gremlins’ are still there, lurking and telling you ‘you are not good enough’ — you just learn how to manage them.
A major shift came with one the sentence ‘what is the worst that can happen?’ which popped in my head one day. It was before meeting a client to talk about a work proposal.
I tried very hard to answer the ‘what is the worst that can happen?’ question and I couldn’t come up with anything bad enough.
That day something clicked. I wrote the ‘what is the worst that can happen?’ question in my notebook, I started repeating it constantly like a mantra. Slowly and over time, fear of failure started losing its paralysing power.
Let’s explore those two elements and I will then share my 5 learnings on how to overcome fear of failure, plus a final revelation.
The tragedy of so much unfulfilled potential
Everybody has the potential to make awesome contributions to family, friends, community, their work and society. However, so many people fail to fulfil their potential because of fear of failure. You know that feeling you get when you have an idea and then you get the gremlin telling you ‘you are not good enough’. It tells you ‘if you do it, you will make a fool of yourself, people will laugh at you’.
I mentor and coach people, and fear underlies a lot of what they share. You may recognise yourself in some of these sentences: ‘what if they don’t like my presentation?, ‘what if I miss my goals?’, ‘what if I don’t pass the exam?’, ‘what if I don’t get a job?, ‘what if my business fail?’ and many more.
The problem with fear of failure is that it stops us from even trying.
Just imagine if Van Gogh gave up painting; after all he only ever had negative feedback, even dismissed for his weird style, so different from anybody else’s. And imagine if Edison decided to give up, after all his teacher said he was ‘too stupid to learn anything’, he was fired twice for being non-productive and made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the lightbulb.
The internal and external dimensions
There is a subtle difference between the fear of failure from low self-esteem and the fear that other people will judge our failures. Both of them stop us from fulfilling our potential, but we deal with them using different approaches.
There are many reasons why we hold fear of failure inside ourselves, it is likely it comes from a survival instinct deep inside us. Among our ancestors living in caves, disagreement with the group or getting something wrong would have meant rejection and death.
We are social creatures and we fear the judgement of other people. At work we worry about the opinions of our boss or colleagues, how often have you not shared an idea or expressed an opinion just in case it may be rejected? Fear can be so strong to cause a physical reaction: we may stammer, heartbeat racing and feeling cold or hot sweats. But it is not just about work, the proliferation of perfect lives on social media is increasing fear of failure. We become convinced that our accomplishments pale in comparison to other people’s.
What can we do about it? Here are 5 take-aways I have learnt and apply myself. Plus what came as a new revelation
1. What is the worst that can happen?
I mentioned this before, but that short sentence was life-changing. When you ask yourself this question, the worst-case scenario is never actually that bad. Anything can be sorted, it may take time, it may be a pain and take time, effort and money. Moreover, when we look back at a horrible event, we realise it led us to something better or made us a better person.
2. We overestimate our importance in other people’s view
We are all so centred on ourselves, our thoughts and acts that we believe other people are equally wrapped up in our inner world. In fact, they couldn’t care less because they are wrapped up in their own inner world.
Have you ever received a dreadful comment and feedback, and then spent weeks in fear you would lose your job and be shamed in front of your whole company? And weeks later mentioned it to the person making that comment, and they completely forgot about it? I am not condoning giving dreadful feedback, my insight is that if we fear and overestimate other people’s opinions.
Learn from feedback, but let those opinions flow away. They are someone else’s view, they are not The Truth
3. We have a too high opinion of our importance
We are all contributors: we share opinions, work hard to achieve our objectives, but success doesn’t rest on our shoulders. If we don’t do the work because we are sick or on holiday someone else will, the work gets done and we are not that important. Even a surgeon, cannot operate by herself — she needs a large team of contributors, each playing a part, and if she is on holiday then someone else will operate. This means that failure can’t rest on our shoulders either.
Another powerful sentence that changed my attitude towards failure is “You can only do your best”, it glowed from the pages of Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
4. Humour
I was not sure whether to include this, I am an Italian living in London, the land of the famed sense of humour. But I don’t fear other people’s opinion, so here it is! I have learnt that in many situations a light-hearted comment, a laugh and an ‘Oops I made a mistake’ goes a long way to ease the situation.
You need to find whatever works for you. Always be mindful of the context, but the ability to ease the tension is an essential skill
5. Toxic cultures
Some environments do their best to make you feel like a failure, it can be a workplace, a community or family. If you live and work in such an environment, it is tough and you need to be careful. As a consultant, I worked in many companies and I have come across situations where people were publicly blamed for mistakes, they then started fearing failure, even more, making mistakes more likely. Some people live in toxic relationships, everything they do receives a negative comment and they become increasingly fearful
Once you are in a situations like this and spiralling out of control, the only way out is to leave
And a final revelation
It is very recent and removed some more fear of failure. When you see an amazing person doing something amazing, that’s all it is: the amazing final product. You never see the trials, failures, changes and pain behind it.
When you see a comedian on stage, being funny for a whole hour — that’s the final product. He is likely to have spent the past year, testing mediocre or totally unfunny jokes, preparing for that show. The same applies to any other person you know, famous or not.
I was terrified when I started publishing blogs and articles, done my first podcast interviews or talked in front of a large audience. Then I realised that most people feel like that, even very experienced speakers and that every time the fear lessens.
As with everything I share, my wish is to inspire people to take an alternative perspective. I hope there may be a thought or a sentence that resonates with you and — if you fear failure — that fear lessens a bit at the time.
I welcome your comments, they help me become a better writer and explore a new idea, so please leave feedback and any thoughts to explore next time. You can find me here and contact me at giorgia@giorgiaprestento.com.